I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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