Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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