she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
