So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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