I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
