you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
