He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
