Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
