I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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