That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
