i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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