My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
