Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
