Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
is wine microwaveable?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
