Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
