there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
