I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
