Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
