Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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