I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is Oprah even human
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
