you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
