when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
pray to the hookup gods
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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