Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
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She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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