my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
