We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
high people should be assigned attendants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize