this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
