I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
