You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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