Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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