Well apparently he's into motor boating.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
