please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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