By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
as a side note pls kill me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
