I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
