She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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