Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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