So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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