I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm at about main and main street
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
