it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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