Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
