All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
