Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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