She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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