He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
