It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
