I wish I only lived at night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
