Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
