his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
