He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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