Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
