the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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