John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All the doctor said was why
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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