Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
being pregnant is like rehab
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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