OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
