1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
