watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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